If you want any chance of hearing any of your favourite Christmas tunes, then you better tune in to this week.

Radio 2 has today announced that, due to the offensive nature of all Festive songs that a ban will be enforced from Monday 15th December.

Radio 2 controller, Chris Mouse held a press conference and gave the following statement, “Earlier today, at one of regular ‘brain dump’ meetings held by the leftist elite softies that we employ and are fully funded by your license fee money, it was pointed out that many Christmas songs have homophobic and sexist undertones. You only have to check out Facebook and Twitter to find how the Pogues use the term faggot as an obvious attack on the gay community and Baby It’s Cold Outside is a call for all men to commit date rape.”

“Anyhow as I was saying, one of our Interns from the University of Millennial Snowflakes pointed out the whole Christmas thing was an affront to Muslims so Radio 2 has decided that to avoid offending the 90% of the UK population that the Gammons of this land believe state Islam on their census returns, we will be banning all Christmas songs and replacing the airtime with various Muslim Calls to Prayer from around the UK and the rest of the World.”

During the following question and answer session Mr Mouse confirmed that the statement was genuine and not, in fact, a desperate self-promotion bid by a Radio 2 fearful of the loss of listeners when Chris Evans departs.

Theresa May took a moment out of her busy General Election Brexit Deal campaign to give the following statement “It is this sort of scenario that my deal will prevent. My deal will stop the Free Movement of People which will prevent the country from being flooded with all these foreign types. Only my deal can save Christmas for Radio 2 listeners”.