The Conservatives hope to boost the number of young people applying for party membership by offering them a free Wham Bar every time they visit their local food bank, according to a new proposal.
The scheme is to be launched after a recent attempt to bribe young voters with a discount card for Nando’s was shot down in flames by the restaurant chain. A party spokesman told the Herald that they had carried out ‘extensive research’ into the desires of the younger generation and were confident that offering them sweets would encourage them into party.
“I called my 7-year-old son, Sebastian, at his prep school and asked him what he wanted, if he could have anything, and he said ‘Sweets!” said spokesman, Giles Chumley-Bastard.
“Well, he actually said ‘Mummy’ first of all and then started crying, but I told him to pack it in or he wouldn’t get to come home for Christmas. Again.
“When I was a lad, I was a big fan of sherbet dib dabs and chocolate limes, but apparently all the ‘hip and happening’ young folk are into Wham Bars and Haribos these days, whatever the hell they are.”
The scheme will see all new Tory party members under the age of 30 offered a free Wham Bar, or sweet of equivalent value, every time they are forced to attend at their local food bank in order to survive. Any children accompanying them will be also be given a single Werther’s Original to take away, on the condition that they tweet an allegation of anti-Semitism against their local Labour councillor.
However, young voters were dismissive of the plans and said it would take more than a confectionary bribe to change their political leanings.
“I’m on a zero-hours contract, will probably never make it onto the housing ladder, and from next year will lose my ability to live and work in twenty-seven European countries,” said recent graduate Simon Watson, 22.
“Sure, Corbyn’s not exactly anti-Brexit but at least he doesn’t want to leave me with a lifetime of debt and privatise the fuck out of everything that I currently get for free.
“If the Tories want to appeal to younger voters, maybe they should just concentrate on not being a bunch of racist, money-grabbing cunts.”
Despite the criticisms, Chumley-Bastard told the Herald that they were looking at ways to expand the scheme to make it even more ‘trendy’.
“Apparently the youngsters are all into something called ‘Hip-Hop’ these days, so we’ll be giving them a free 7” Kanye North single – is it North? – to listen to when they’re on their way to the voting booth.
“That’ll have those Momentum buggers quaking in their organic, ethically-sourced sandals.”
