Scientists at Bideford University have claimed that the recent epidemic of Veganism can be stopped if victims receive treatment in the early stages of the disease.
The disease is particularly widespread in London and the Home Counties but virtually unheard of north of Burnley.
A spokesperson for the university’s department of middle class diseases stated that “as long as the sufferers were only preparing and eating basic vegan dishes like vegetable soup then the disease could be cured.”
However, she indicated that if the patient had progressed to more sophisticated diet such as Ricotta-Stuffed French Toast with Salted Butterscotch Sauce or Red Velvet Pancakes with Coconut Cream and Berries then “It was far too late to save their mortal souls.”
Full details of the treatment are have not been disclosed but are thought to involve patients being locked in a small kitchen, being subjected to the smell of frying bacon and being sworn at by Gordon Ramsey. The university is also developing a Bovril based vaccine and the government is considering banning anyone under thirty five attending dinner parties.
Douglas White, a farmer from Wiltshire welcomed the breakthrough and said that “We all know that vegans are pale individuals or simply fade away until they disappear but people who eat meat are more desirable, sexy and very lucky. We advise that the public eats at least three meat based meals a day supplemented by a number of really meaty snacks”.
