An office worker who regularly distributes passive aggressive emails genuinely is ‘looking forward to your response’ because he is very lonely and has little else going on in his life, it was confirmed today.
Mid-ranking Executive Credit Re-alignment Officer Ant Twerp of Hardman’s Soft Boiled Eggs confirmed his no nonsense style was required to get results in the cut throat sector of Soft Boiled Egg Distribution, but revealed his social side had helped make him the beloved leader he is today.
‘One of the joys of my day is sending a pissy email to someone who sits about a foot away from me without acknowledging their existence in person. But they know it’s just business – just because I’m an Executive Credit Re-alignment Officer and they’re a shitmuncher doesn’t mean we’re not mates – when I end all my emails with ‘I look forward to your response’, I genuinely mean it from the bottom of my heart, because I’m actually a very lonely person with eff all going on. I have no kids, friends, or hobbies of note, hence why I log on to Outlook at 11:41pm to grill one of those so-called ‘admin’ ladies to ‘Please advise urgently’ if they’ve ordered more post-it notes. Marked as high importance, of course. My heart skips a beat when I see ‘RE: Post It Notes’ pop up in my inbox, nothing beats vague human interaction with great mates – the kind of banter & comradery you only get over e-mail. I always read the ones form ‘the lads’ in the warehouse in that funny voice I hear them doing whenever I’m over there to do an inventory, I think it’s supposed to be Al Pacino. Great bunch of lads, I almost feel bad I have to make them redundant next week, but business is business!!’
Colleague Linda Davies confirmed Twerp has all the charm & charisma of a pint of milk left behind a radiator for 3 days, but paid tribute to his tireless working efforts ‘He sends me at least 16 emails a day asking me to ‘please ensure’ some remedial task is ‘actioned immediately’, but I think we’ve only spoken twice in around 10 years, one of those was in the brew room when we had a brief but awkward conversation about lactose intolerance, and the other was down the pub for Bill’s leaving do 5 years ago where we he seemed keen to canvas general opinion on everyone’s opinion on ‘The Match last night’ before it became apparent he had no idea who was playing, or if there was actually a match at all. He’s a maladjusted, socially inept, dullard, but everyone knows the true way to someone’s heart is through a consolidated 50% improvement in year to date KPI reporting.’
Desperately pressing F9 to refresh his Inbox for read receipts, Twerp revealed his intentions to make more time for himself away from the grueling demands of the job ‘I’m thinking of having a birthday get together over live meeting next year, if I can get away in time obviously, it never stops here. I’m thinking of inviting the Linked In gang – 6 of the craziest people you’ll ever meet, they’re a right rabble!’
‘But that’s for another day. In the meantime, you’ll need excuse me – those missing 3 paper clips won’t raise a credit for themselves.’