The recent weather worries in Cumbria worsened this morning, after 12 minutes of unseasonable partial sunshine exposed a fell walker to lethal levels of the rare nerve agent Vitamin D.
With local post temperatures soaring to 13oC, hapless Bill Butterworth, 66, of Langdale was bombarded by UV rays of up to 6% whilst out walking his dog Shep up local peak & Wainwright favourite ‘Stipple’s Nipples’.
Butterworth, under heavy prescriptions of tea & biscuits, recounted his harrowing tale to the Herald from his hospital bed. “I wor out with the dog, basking in the beautiful drizzle, when suddenly, I was blinded by this light, as if a milk tanker were pulling up to collect the morning run, but only in the sky and in the day! Shep’s hackles were right up, barking at this light as it got bigger & bigger. I’d never seen owt like it, eh!!”
“Next thing I knew, I was sweating profusely, and I’d passed out – I woke up and Shep were licking me face, paramedics round me, and the sky beast had gone. I never want to see it again, but the wife told me to stop being a mard get and said she’d give it a good hiding if it came back. She’s tough as owd boots our Betty!”
With many locals preparing to offer a sacrifice to appease the sky monster, Meteorologists calmed fears by confirming the weather anomaly was a purely natural phenomena known as a ‘Cloud break’, which happens in the Lake District once every 16 months, and advised locals to save their sacrificial offering for the next full moon.
Doctors confirmed at the local Hospital/Dairy farm confirmed Butterworth would be alright, although he would have to intensively retrain to learn to walk without rickets.
