Business – Residents left worried by the collapse of Carillion and ensuing loss of local services have been given the news by local MP Gavin Reidy that a new provider has been identified and services will rapidly descend back to previous piss-poor levels.

“We in government have thought long and hard” said Mr Reidy “And after much research we have decided that providing services with government employees is simply untenable. Not to mention unprofitable. It is for this reason we have decided to partner with Capita, who we see as the obvious choice in this race to the bottom.”

Despite a lukewarm reaction from residents; tax-payers and anyone with a modicum of common sense, company director Richard Turpin KCMG assured the assembly that despite the parallels his firm was a completely safe pair of hands.

“I can understand the confusion. While it’s true we’ve recently issued a profit warning like Carillion and admitted we’re too thinly spread over multiple sectors, again like Carillion, we’re completely different.”

When asked by reporters how the companies differed, a visibly stricken Mr Turpin KCMG excused himself by saying he had to make an urgent phone call and enquiring if anyone had the number for Serco.