David Davis, the Secretary for Probably Exiting the European Union, has confirmed to the House of Lords Select Committee that he has definitely done the financial analysis that is due to be handed in today, but unfortunately he left it in the back of his mum’s car and she’s gone shopping and turned her mobile off.
He also gave a clear and unequivocal assurance to the House of Commons Foreign Affairs Committee that he was just typing up the cross-cutting analysis of the impact of leaving the EU when the computer crashed, but as soon as Windows has finished updating it should be good to go.
Davis, who also managed to be Minister of State for Europe when that suited from ’94-’97, was unfortunately unable to present the findings of the extensive economic forecasts he had prepared, as this morning his older brother must have picked up the wrong folder and taken it off to art college. He won’t be back until the end of term, but it’s definitely done and he could probably post it back in a day or two.
Clear assurances were given that everything is safely stored in a folder on Dropbox and if he can just get to the library at lunchtime he should be able to put it on a memory stick, although the printer has run out of toner so a hard copy might not be available until after the weekend.
Davis assured the public in an interview on the Andrew Marr Show that detailed assessments had been prepared on the effect of Brexit on British trade with the rest of the world, but sadly ISIS soldiers dressed as Santa had abseiled down the chimney last night and stolen them.
Mr Davis was last seen pointing behind Andrew Marr’s head and shouting ‘Oh look a benefits cheat!’ before leaping from a second floor toilet window through the sunroof of a waiting diplomatic limousine.
His last words were “See ya suckers!” and a loud raspberry as he disappeared into the distance.