The UK Parliament’s Committee on Standards has announced plans to require all male MPs to wear oven gloves whenever they attend the building.
The Committee was forced to act in the wake of allegations of sexual impropriety and the inappropriate use of Westminster computers. It is hoped that the addition of thick, over-sized padded gloves will limit the opportunities for male MPs to touch anybody, including themselves, in a manner “not in line with Parliamentary standards of good conduct”.
“It’s important that our MPs can come to work and not feel pressured to keep their hands visible at all times,” said Committee member, Sebastian Touchwood.
“This unfortunate business with knees being touched, people being called ‘sugar tits’, and Damien Green’s gummed-up keyboard has made them look like a bunch of deviants.
“Gone are the days when you just could sweep things under the carpet and cancel somebody’s rent boy allowance for a few weeks, or stop them from claiming ball gags on their expenses, so they’ll just have to invest in some big gloves and avoid talking to anyone with a vagina for the foreseeable future.
“In fact, maybe some ball gags would be a good idea.”
Male MPs are said to be disappointed with the decision but most have chosen to comply with the requirement until the furore over their conduct subsides. One backbench MP, who asked to remain anonymous, told the Herald that wearing the gloves helped to remove temptation but did make it difficult to fill in his expenses forms.
“I’m already £100 down this week and I’ve got another three lunches lined up,” he said. “I kind of resent the implication that I can’t be trusted to turn up to work and not touch a woman on the knee. Or the buttocks. Or the boobs.
The manager of the Houses of Parliament gift shop has confirmed that their branded oven gloves have now become their top-selling item. They have also started taking orders for custom-made gloves, after Jacob Rees-Mogg requested seven pairs of ermine gloves and Iain Duncan Smith asked for a pair made from the skin of dead benefits claimants.
Meantime, there are unconfirmed reports that a confused Boris Johnson had to be sent home after turning up to the Commons wearing nothing but a Naked Chef apron and a pair of giant foam hands.