The King of Dildos and soon to be former International Trade Minister Mark Garnier is to be investigated over a potential breach of the ministerial code after he admitted to asking a former parliamentary aide to buy him a dildo.
The Cabinet Office is going to “probe” the Wyre Forrest MP and then they’re going to look into whether or not he broke the Ministerial Code by calling an employee Sugar Tits and making her buy him a dildo.
“It was two dildos actually.” The unnamed aide told The Rochdale Herald. “Everybody knows two dildos are twice as bad as one.”
The Prime Minister is expected to write to cover up expert and House of Commons Speaker John Bercow to ask how to make it all please, please, please just go away.
It comes amidst reports that Theresa May is to receive hourly reports from Conservative Party whips about the indiscretions of her MP’s.
“That’s not as much fun as it sounds.” A Downing Street insider told The Rochdale Herald. “There are rumours circulating around Westminster that both Michael Gove and Boris Johnson have penises.”
“It’s bad enough just dealing with Boris calling people picanninies and forgetting that Rhodesia isn’t a place anymore.”
“It’s a worry that we might to have to look at some web cam footage of Boris chasing an aide around his office like a flop haired Benny Hill. It is keeping everybody awake at night.”
Mark Garnier has said he’s “happy to take it on the chin”, or anywhere else for that matter provided he can keep his ministerial benefits package.
