The office of the prime minister has reassured the nation this morning by announcing that patron saint of Toryism, Margaret Thatcher, is to be resurrected on Halloween night this year to put the caring back into the Conservative Party.
The Rochdale Herald’s walking dead correspondent spoke to Jeremy Hunt, key to the project as head of the NHS, to learn more about this shocking surprise.
“We feel the party has drifted in brand appeal lately because of the complexities of delivering modern solutions to difficult age old problems.
Lady Thatcher coming back from the dead and floating over the Palace of Westminster on the 31st of October this year, causing the silenced Big Ben to gong spectrally on live television, would be a gift that warms even the coldest hearts.”
It’s believed most of Hunt’s recent tweets about changes and improvements to the NHS have actually been in relation to hiring staff for project “Beast”, the nickname given to the resurrection effort.
“Margaret knew how to tap straight into the warm blood of Britons. She epitomised caring conservatism in a way our modern brand of technocratic leaders sometimes fail to get across because they’re too busy working out how best to use taxpayer’s money for specific benefits.”
It’s believed the gap between the ruling cabinet and the ruled is now so broad, the drift from party values so extreme, that Thatcher may well be able to point them back to a place where they can really connect again.
“Horse charges and batons are more personal than attempts to read emails while you’re asleep,” Hunt added, “she won’t be trusted on Brexit though. Bloody traitorous remainer that Thatcher.”
To capitalise on what is certain to be a rousing resurrection, after Big Ben has chimed, the dead will then walk the streets of the capital and knock on doors asking “Trick or treat?”, so have your bowl of sweets ready!
