Excellent Tory plan is embraced by all writers of most patriotic newspaper in North of England

In response to a letter from that most patriotic of MPs, Chris Heaton-Harris, the Herald’s Editor Quentin D Fortesqueue, was delighted to confirm that the Herald’s publishing policy would remain without fear nor favour and no amount of nagging from pinko lefty writers would influence him.

After Theresa May launched an utterly ruthless and much needed clampdown on the internet, the Herald was quick to highlight how this gave us all an opportunity to applaud spending £118 million on fitting sprinklers to protect the Mother of Parliaments on this most special Brexmas eve.

The jaded old hacks that make up the Herald’s writing staff suggested that we could overcome the automated censors attempts to adjust anything we write about the glorious party delivering Brexski to weaken Europe before Mother Russia send tanks of peace, by instead writing about the opposite in what we thought was a clever “criticise the mirror to critique the person” tactic worthy of some mythological dude fighting the Gorgon.

After a proposal to suggest Jeremy Corbyn was a “bit shit” as a mechanism to suggest all politicians are shit and he is mediocrity that floats to the top but still fundamentally less bad than our glorious leader by divine right Theresa May, turned into a massive row, we decided to give up and just phone him.

“Well, I’ve not got long to take this call, because I’m doing Gogglebox with Stormzy in a minute,” said Jesus, “I know, mad right, but what I would say is that I completely condemn Theresa May’s plan.”

So there you have it. Jeremy Corbyn is completely opposed to controls on the internet because he is not in charge of them and vowed that the Labour Party would continue to be led by an incompetent beige socialist built by British Leyland. 

Meanwhile some muggy little cunt continued to think everyone agrees with them about Brexit because several members of a bot farm definitely not run by those Russian funded Leave.EU twats agreed with him and he got a love eyes emoji from 1488WSAryanSexBitch. So, you know, base really quite important political and economic decisions on that Britain. Honestly, if we weren’t in the same NCT class, I’d have put my pen through your fucking eye by now.