Some wise men have today hit back at a high street bakers claiming that their ‘Foot-Long Sausage Roll’ creates unrealistic expectations about baked goods.

Joseph, a carpenter and part time donkey jockey, explained. “At Greggs and the like, the baked goods are always hot and ready to go. You see these pictures online of delicious baked goods with perfect airbrushed pastries, ready for you, whenever you want them. The images are so enticing it makes you feel like you can just take one whenever you want it.”

“The advertisers don’t seem to worry about what this sort of imagery is doing” Balthazar, a lecturer in Wisdom at the Rochdale University of Men told us, “and the size of them? It’s just not normal.

“It’s like I can just stuff one in and be done with it but on the other hand when you see such a massive sausage it makes you feel, I don’t know, weird.”

“The reality is that not all women like foot-long sausage rolls and not all men like enormous, overly stuffed pasties. Women are generally quite happy with a normal, slightly smaller portion but they do like to have a nice starter occasionally and maybe talk between bites. Sometimes a lot.” Baked savoury expert John Holmes told The Rochdale Herald.

“As a result of this misrepresentation which is so readily available on the internet, bakery-obsessed teenagers have a hard time holding down any sort of meaningful relationship because increasingly they have to meet expectations based upon the out-sized products in seasonal advertising campaigns.

“There’s also been an increase in young people feeling pressured into trying more unsavoury pastries, like a cream puff or a pineapple upside-down cake. They will have seen it on a Christmas ad and now feel as if they’re expected to enjoy it even though the idea of having whipped cream dribbling down their chin might be a real turn off.”

Mary, a virgin, was unavailable for comment amid rumours that she may have disappeared with an extra-large beefcake.