Following Friday’s ‘sustained and aggressive’ cyber attack on Westminster, speculation mounts as to whether the official Conservative party website has been hacked and vandalised or is in fact just a huge pile of bolloc*s. 

Local Tory party member and branch secretary of the Rochdale and Heywood Young Conservatives Crispin Wank-Sochs’ first reaction on hearing the news that the government had been subjected to an attack was feelings of horror and confusion; after logging on to his party’s website, what he found there only added to his sense of confusion.

“I’m really not sure” he told us. “I mean on casual inspection it looks fairly legit, but if you look a bit closer it’s harder to tell. Some of the phrasing just doesn’t make sense; I mean just look at the front page of the manifesto. ‘Now more than ever, Britain needs a clear plan. This manifesto… will meet the great challenges of our time, beyond Brexit. With this plan and with a strong hand through Brexit, we will build a stronger, fairer, more prosperous Britain, for all of us’. I mean, in the light of everything that’s happened during and since the last election, that’s just taking the piss. That could easily be something a North Korean has just made up for a laugh’.

“It goes on… ‘a strong economy that works for everyone’. Who is she kidding? I can seriously imagine some team of Russian hackers just wetting themselves over that one. Yeah, nice one Ivan. Very funny’.

‘Whats more telling is what’s not in there that ought to be; there are a good dozen pledges from the 2015 manifesto that seem to have completely vanished, including not raising National Insurance and a commitment to remain in the single market. Plus, there’s a whole bunch of stuff that is in there that wasn’t in the Queens Speech five days ago, including a bunch of gibberish about fox hunting, free school meals, dementia tax, grammar schools and fracking… why is that all in there if the whole thing isn’t just a massive pile of half-baked bolloc*s?

Seriously, the more I think about it the more likely it looks that the whole website has been cobbled together by a bored teenager out for kicks in his bedroom in Croyden. This is bullsh*t, I’m sticking to onanism related one-handed web material from here on in”.