The Scottish National Party has released an official statement denying that their desire for Scottish independence is motivated by a historic mistrust of the English, explaining that it’s actually the Welsh they want to get away from.
The statement directly addressed the longstanding accusation that the SNP are driven by a desire to free themselves from what they percieve as unfair government by Westminster. Whilst this has been seen as an anti-English sentiment by some, the statement released by SNP Central Office explained that, to the contrary, ‘we really love the English’.
The statement continued ‘They’re an absolutely terrific bunch. The highland clearances, banning the kilt, subjugation of the clans, excluding the Gaelic language from schools, thats all in the past. Let bygones be bygones.’
However the statement went on to explain that whilst it is ‘an absolute privilege for the Scots to share a sovereign state with the English’ unfortunately ‘the same can’t be said about the Welsh’. In particular it noted that they’d had enough of the ‘endless bloody singing’ and ‘their irrational love of leeks.’
By contrast the SNP laid out a list of mannerisms which they find particularly endearing about the English, including ‘jokes about kilts’, ‘shopkeepers refusing to accept Scottish money’ and being subjected to ‘detailed conversations about cricket’.
The SNP’s statement was supported by the party’s leader Nicola Sturgeon. She told The Rochdale Herald “Some of the English are absolutely fine when you get to know them. I particularly like the way the Queen repeats the phrase ‘See you Jimmy’ every five minutes when she comes to Holyrood.”
However she added “I can’t abide the damn Welsh. At some point the English are going to have to choose – it’s either the Welsh or us.”
Sturgeon’s opinions on the Welsh were echoed by former SNP leader Alex Salmond, who noted that he could understand ‘why the Emperor Hadrian built that wall to keep them out of Scotland’.
It is as yet unknown whether the Welsh Assembly has issued a response to the SNP’s statement as so far no journalists have bothered to check.