Health campaigners in Scotland have urged the SNP government to take immediate action after an Edinburgh chip shop was found to be selling deep-fried Class A drugs.
Described by some as “possibly the most Scottish thing ever”, the unnamed chippy, located in the Granton area, is reported to be battering everything from tenner bags of heroin to cannabis joints. Alongside the deep-fried narcotics, customers are also being offered a choice of accompaniments, including chips sprinkled with amphetamine and methadone-pickled eggs.
“I got the idea when I read about how people through in Glasgow could get cocaine delivered faster than a pizza,” the proprietor told our reporter, under the condition of anonymity.
“We don’t do deliveries yet but we thought this would increase footfall until our driver has figured out how to fit a dozen deep-fried Valium up his ringpiece, so the polis don’t nab him as soon as he leaves the shop.
“The grease helps, obviously, but the batter adds volume and the poor guy currently lacks the required flexibility.”
Regular customer and chronic drug user Sean Burnside, 29, told the Herald that although the products had some novelty appeal, they did present issues when it came to administration.
“Ah love fried food as much as the next gadgie, but aw the batter gets in the way when yur trying to shoot up and ah’ve now jist got a load of clogged up needles, ken?” he said.
“The methadone eggs help take the edge off when yur rattlin’ though, and the cannabis fritters they do are proper barry.”
In a statement released this afternoon, the Scottish government said that the matter was being thoroughly investigated and advised the public to avoid consuming anything that they suspect might contain illicit ingredients.
“As a general rule, anything that has to injected, smoked or snorted should not be deep-fried, battered or subjected to any other sort of treatment that could make it especially tasty if drizzled in salt and vinegar.
“The deep-frying of food stuffs is an integral part of Scottish culture and we strongly condemn any attempts to corrupt the practice by using it to promote drug use.
“We’re fairly certain that we can find some spurious way of blaming this on Westminster, but all of this talk of food is making me hungry and there’s currently a half-eaten curry sitting in the fridge with my name on it.”
The First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, was contacted for comment, however, a spokesman advised that she and the rest of the Scottish Cabinet were currently debating whether or not the banning of Irn Bru at Donald Trump’s Turnberry resort could be seen as a declaration of war.