With Burns Night suppers planned across Scotland tonight, people are gearing up for the annual celebration of everything it means to be Scottish: fine whisky, song, ceremony, Robert Burns and ruthlessly mocking the English.

Everywhere from Perth to Portree, Lewis to Lerwick and Aberdeen to Achiltibuie, lowlanders and highlanders alike will put aside their differences to join in the annual festival of convincing English tourists that eating lungs and porridge in a stomach bag is really a thing.

Murdo Macleod told the Herald, “The English were getting a bit jealous that we have a culture based on something other than X Factor and hating foreigners. They’ve been twats for years to be honest so we decided to create a disgusting meal and convince them to eat it while we watch them and laugh.”

“All the rest of the ceremony is just stuff we like doing anyway. Dressing up, playing the pipes, singing songs about your dinner and then using a big sword to stab it, and above all drinking lots and lots of whisky. It’s just the contents of the haggis that’s a wind-up.”

“I mean yeah, maybe Robert Burns ate it, but he lived in a time when marrying your sister and having syphilis was acceptable. We don’t do that shit any more. We have Nando’s like the rest of the modern world. It’s Scotland, not the fucking Serengeti.”

Unfortunately Murdo was unable to conclude the rest of the interview as he was called away by his mum to have some battered black pudding, a macaroni pie and four cans of Irn Bru.