The Scottish government has confirmed that children will no longer be able to use Smack in Scotland.

The move would make the country the first region in the UK to make it completely illegal for young children and teenagers to buy and inject themselves with heroin.

Ministers had previously said that they had no plans to introduce legislation to stop children from taking Smack on the basis that if they did, what would parents do with their children for fun in Ayrshire?

The Scottish government has confirmed that a bill introduced by a Green MSP, John Finnie, will be become law.

Ministers will work with Mr Finnies to try implement law though are expecting to face stiff resistance from parents and schools alike.

“Smack is as Scottish as deep fried Mars Bars and headbutting each other. They’re coming for our Smack today but tomorrow they’ll be trying to take Buckfast from our teenagers. It’s just another English plot to destroy the delicate cultural ecosystem of Scotland.” An unnamed headmaster at the Merchiston Castle boarding school in Edinburgh told The Rochdale Herald.

The plans have been criticised by counsellors in Rochdale who were the first to trial a scheme to outlaw class A drugs in schools in Lancashire.

“It was a disaster. The moment Class 11 stopped shooting up they began to realised that we had voted to leave the European Union. Some of them even started to look into things like Universal Credit and the Pension Deficit. It wasn’t pretty.”

“Scotland will come round. It’s much easier to just drug them up than try to explain the decisions of their grandparents to them.”

In other news Scotland are expected to pass a bill into law to make smacking children illegal, a bit of a coincidence, but very well done Scotland. Very well done.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.