Poppy Enforcement Directive Officers (PEDO’s) are to begin patrolling the UK’s streets from next week, the Government has announced.
The officers, obese men dressed in black with ruddy complexions who only speak in capital letters will begin patrols from next Wednesday.
One such individual who goes by the handle Britishnproud told us, “I’M GOING TO RIP THE HEAD OFF ANY LIBERAL DO-GOODER NOT WEARING A RED POPPY WITH GREEN LEAF AT THE CORRECT ANGLE. BRITISH SOLDIERS DIED FIGHTING FASCISTS SO I COULD DRESS IN BLACK AND WALK AROUND TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.”
It’s understood that the Government has trained an extra 4000 enforcement officers this year. A spokesman said, “All enforcement officers undergo a rigorous training regime. It involves many hours sat in the pub drinking continental lager. They’re also made to read every book ever written about the Falklands, Churchill and Nigel Farage. This years crop are exceptional. We believe their punishment beatings for non-compliance with the poppy code will cut the number of people not wearing poppies by half.”
As well as the poppy enforcement officers, the Government has also announced that it will honour the armed services in the traditional manner. Namely, cutting the M.O.D’s budget and embroiling the country in a pointless war in the Middle East. It’s alleged that Rupert Murdoch has signed off on the idea and issued orders to his papers to start preparing the country for war.
The Daily Express will signal the start of this years faux poppy outrage season on Tuesday night by releasing a story about someone appearing on BBC news without a poppy. The Express will then be patrolling the UK’s media for any signs of poppy deviants. Anybody not wearing a poppy or wailing sufficiently will be publicly ridiculed, sent death threats and then interned in a re-education camp in Buckinghamshire.
A period of daily hate will also be observed. This will be orchestrated by The Sun newspaper.
British people will be invited to express their hatred of poppy non-conformers publicly at specially designed events.
