The PM today insisted that she is fully supported by her cabinet; a flat-pack Nordik 465 Ikea bedside cabinet in white Formica, that she bought on eBay from a student that never put it together.

Fortunately this strong and stable minimalist Classic was put together by the same joiner who stuck the sign up at the Tory Conference. Former Tory Chairman Grant “Ass-less” Shapps says about 30 Tory MPs back his call for a leadership contest in the wake of the general election results and conference mishaps.

The other 300 said he was a complete knob-jockey and should be sent to Love Island with PM May. There has been leadership speculation since the Conservatives last had a popular and effective Premier. That was in 1945 and he lost his seat the same year.

The Conservative conference this week was meant to be a chance for May to cement her position. In that regard it was a success, cementing her position as a figure of fun and the butt of all jokes.

Asked about leadership speculation as she attended a charity event in her constituency, Mrs May said: “What the country needs is strong and stable leadership and that’s what I am providing with the full support of my Ikea bedside cabinet and large bottle of anti-depressants.”