Paramedics and specialists in typesetting were seen rushing to the site of a terrifying incident at the Conservative Party conference in Manchester earlier in the week as the letter F was seen to literally die of embarrassment during the Prime Minister’s shambolic speech.
The Rochdale Herald’s Alphabet and Other Soups special correspondent was at the venue for lunch and was able to follow the dramatic action as it unfolded.
“It was during the closing stages of a speech that started off strong and stable. For the first half an hour all the letters in the hall seemed determined to cling grimly to whatever surface they had been stuck to with cheap, double sided tape. The perfect symbol of the entire current crop of Conservative cabinet politicians attitude to governance,” The Letter G reported,
“But as the Prime Minister entered into rhetorical flourishes about managing the decline of Britain over the coming years, while simultaneously ensuring that her actual boss Mr Murdoch remained pleased with her during her bi-annual performance reviews in New York, the letter F began to look distinctly peaky.”
Specialists in the deaths of letters have speculated that F may have made it all the way through Theresa May’s speech, before potentially collapsing behind the stage out of exhaustion, but,
“Once Ms May began to choke on her own words, as if even she was having trouble forcing the captured letters of the alphabet to do her bidding inside her own vocal cords, it was all over for F,”
The Letter was seen to cough repeatedly, hand itself a P45, before plummeting to the floor.
“It was an end no one could call tragic, because perhaps if the tightwads organising the conference from conservative party central had been prepared to spend just a minimum of a few pounds on some tape worth half a damn, no letters would have died of embarrassment during the speech.
A close watch is being kept on all other etters in the aphabet as it’s hardy ikey anyone is going to be happy without the etter F, quite how they’ react if Ms May causes more etters to die of embarrassment is anyone’s guess. Oh b ast. It looks ike she’s ki ed off too!”
