Employees from a Rochdale conservatory company have been explaining how a new employee is definitely up to something.

Simon Simpson started on Monday and told us, “It’s been good so far. Everyone is really friendly and helpful. I’ve only done administrative tasks so far but I’m enjoying it. One lady has even invited me to office drinks on Friday.”

However receptionist Donna Flood said, “He’s up to something. He cycles to work every day. Even on Wednesday when it was really windy and raining. And he wears a tie everyday. What’s that about?

“It’s only a matter of time before he asks me to wax all the hair from his body to make him more aerodynamic.
My mate Hannah’s brother worked at the same place as he did previously. According to Hannah her brother was asking him what he was doing that weekend and he said he was barbecuing his family.

“I could be wrong and he was having a barbecue with his family but there’s no smoke without fire.”

Sales Manager Richard Schmuck said, “He’s no pictures of his family or anything on his desk. It’s spotlessly clean. When he’s finished at the end of the day he files everything away and even puts his stationary in his draw. When he leaves it’s like nobody actually sits there. It’s so weirdly clean like a serial killer’s house.”

Accountant Mary Flowers told us, “I first met him on Tuesday while eating my dinner. I was eating an octopus and he started telling me about his holiday to Greece like he was from there or something. It went quiet so I invited him out to Lucy’s leaving drinks on Friday. I don’t know why I did that. He’s probably going to spend an evening trying to chat me up. I’ll lose all inhibitions because of the drink and agree to go back to his place with Lucy. We’ll get there, he’ll put some music on and get us to strip naked and dance around him wearing gas masks. Then I’ll spend Saturday trying to wash the smell of cigarettes and regret out of my hair.”

Simon’s manager told us, “He’s had a good start. Although, he needs to be careful. I heard a rumour he applied by leaving his CV on the MD’s desk weighted down with a dead squirrel.”

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra’s favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.*

*Not all of these necessarily true.