The woman pretending to be British Prime Minister is expected to increase her appeal to the younger demographics today. She will do it by reassuring that medical advances mean some of them might even live long enough to pay back their massive student debts.
Responsible policies designed to make younger people feel mature, by encouraging them to take on eyeball grazing debts, have been one of the hallmarks of Ms May’s time in government.
The Herald has been given a sneak preview of expected changes to the student finance market and how those combined with medical advances will make everything just alright.
The picture accompanying this article illustrates the average age in which a graduate can expect to now pay back their student loans, with the accumulating interest, in the national interest. Not too bad!
When the PM addresses the Tory Glastonbury crowd from the stage, in their political heartland of Manchester, she is expected to woo most of the younger voters in the country back to the Conservatives. It will mostly be her natural radiation, but also her well thought out policies.
“She’s going to begin by explaining how graduates and gap year students can complete the complicated and costly procedures necessary to get a visa and go to France after we leave the EU,” a spokesman, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained,
“After that she will reassure that modern innovations in habitat design mean it’s possible to live in a new build flat the size of a shoebox without always bumping your head. And how having just four zero hour jobs means you will be able to pay most of your rent, if not actually eat. Sports direct, Uber (maybe), Wetherspoons and going on the game will cover it for most people.
And as we have the luxury of a booming food bank market, no one ever needs to go hungry, so long as they have the strength of character to feel publicly embarrassed.”
It’s expected she will also sing a personalised rendition of “Stuck In The Middle With You”, but not because of the line everyone remembers.
“I don’t know why I came here tonight, I’ve got the feeling something ain’t right, I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair…”
“She’s been repeating that all week,” the spokesmen added, “It’s not a cry for help, it just resonates with her, come along and enjoy the show, you’ve a ticket whether you wanted one or not.”
