UKIP’s press officer Ms Gline Garafe reassured a nervous nation today by stating that UKIP’s new leader has undergone hypnotherapy to stop him saying “I’m not a racist, but” in interviews.
“Bongo bongo land is right out too, although no one in UKIP can work out why?” Gline stated “French fries. Off the list. Stormtrooper, in fact all Star Wars references are a no go. And certain types of heritage biscuits, we’re not allowed to talk about them anymore. PC culture has ruined our traditions. Oops. I can’t say that!
“His name he is allowed to say, but so long as he doesn’t do a Nuttall and follow it up with a claim that he had a successful cover version of ‘Dock of the bay’. The other Bolton did that. They’re not related by the way.”
He will however state “Ich bin ein Englander” in a special attempt to reach out to members of the Polish community in the UK, reassures Ms Garafe.
“The hypnotherapy course will be intensive, daily and conducted by a world renowned specialist in the field. I personally think we should add ‘multiculturalism has failed to the list’, as that is a gateway phrase that often leads to harder phrases. And once a UKIP member is on that path, it’s very hard to bring them back.”
But critics of the party have pointed out that simply joining UKIP is a declaration equivalent to saying ‘I’m not a racist, but’.
“Personally, I’m excited to be involved with attempting to parachute another UKIP leader into a town judged to be sufficiently sympathetic to our party,” Gline enthused.
“We’ve been doing research to get it right this time. By studying speech patterns we’ve identified a constituency in the North East that is ideal.”
Apparently, according to UKIP scientists it’s a town in England where virtually the entire population says daily ‘I’m not a racist, but”.
