Jeremy Corbyn has closed this year’s Labour conference with a rousing speech to his Corbynista fans explaining his plans for an entirely fictitious and hypothetical Labour Government.

In his speech he confirmed that the current Tory Government is destroying the country and that this is not fair because he wants to do it. Under his plans for a Labour Government, blame for all the country’s ills would be shifted from one set of demographics (the poor and foreign immigrants) to another (the rich and foreign investors) which, according to Jeremy is proper politics.

However, it is still not clear who will be then be blamed if his plans to make everyone rich come to fruition.

This year’s Labour conference has struck fear into Bankers and Private Landlords alike who are already lining up to give interviews to any news outlet that will listen to them and claim that under a Labour Government, the country would be doomed. It is rumoured the very words ‘Privatisation’ and ‘Rent Control’, however improbable, are enough to send any of these types of people rushing to post their thoughts on the subject on FaceBook.

Billionaire Lord Ashcroft was the first in-line to give his opinion on the Labour leader’s speech. “A Labour Government would bring this country to its knees in a wholly different way that to which the current Conservative Government is achieving,” he said.

“A faltering economy, deep-rooted social problems and uncertain future posed by Brexit under a Conservative led Government is far better than the same scenario under a Labour led one, obviously. I’ve paid millions from my own personal fortune for the opportunity for my friends to break this country (though recently for personal reasons you’ll understand, I’ve chosen to do this incognito through various third-party companies). I’ll be damned if after all that expense I’m going to let some Obi Wan Kenobi impersonator have a go.”

Tory activists up and down the country have also been quick to condemn Jeremy Corbyn’s closing speech as anti-patriotic communist propaganda designed to trick young people into believing that there could actually be some hope for them, though they have been careful not to mention the lack of Labour unity on Brexit to avoid any awkward questions as to their own Brexit squabbling.

“Yeah, we’ll leave that one for our own conference, thank you.” one activist chimed. “Look, Labour are under the misapprehension that you can gain power by convincing people to vote for you at the next election simply by having a plan that people like.

“Everyone knows that all you need to do is to have your powerful press friends convince people that your opposition is incompetent and buy any Parliamentary seats that you didn’t win.”