Foreign Office officials have confirmed that Boris Johnson has finally accepted that the British Empire no longer contains Canada, more than a year after he was first appointed Foreign Secretary.
Speaking on condition of anonymity a senior Foreign Office source, Harry Williamson OBE, admitted that Johnson was ‘shocked and utterly distraught’ by the discovery.
Williamson explained that following his appointment the Foreign Office had informed Johnson that the Empire no longer contains Canada, but ‘he was utterly convinced it was a practical joke’.
To mollify himself Johnson ordered troops to India, causing ‘some level of tension with the Indian Government’, and demanding updates on ‘our campaign against the rebellious Boers’ when officials were trying to brief him on the UK’s overseas development work.
At times Boris’s delusions reportedly created a ‘difficult working environment’.
On one occasion Johnson cancelled all Foreign Office leave for three weeks to deal with the ‘deteriorating situation in South Africa’. It turned out he’d just ‘caught a repeat of the 1964 movie Zulu on the telly’.
Johnson’s continued belief in the Empire also started to have a ‘direct effect’ on relations with foreign powers. He tried to resolve Brexit negotiations by offering his French counterpart ‘a big slice of Uganda’ in return for Single Market access, and it required the Prime Minister’s personal intervention to stop this incident becoming public.
Reportedly Johnson finally realised the Empire had pretty much gone during a meeting with Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, who ‘ignored Johnson’s repeated order that he bow’. At this point Johnson has a ‘eureka moment’, and ran from the room screaming ‘it’s gone! Even Canada!’ and ‘nothing matters anymore’.
He was last seen standing outside the Australian High Commission in his underpants shouting ‘why did you leave us you bastards’ and telling anyone who would listen that ‘we’d be f*cking nuts to leave the EU without the Empire’.
