Conservative MP George Eustice was allegedly out celebrating at a champagne breakfast this morning after deciding to kill a lot more badgers in order to feel better about himself.
It’s thought the extension of badger cull licenses across Devon and Somerset, and other areas of the UK, will help shore up Conservative Party support once the real impacts of their ideological pursuit of EU hating Brexit policies really starts to impoverish their natural voting base in the counties.
The Rochdale Herald listened in from outside a room where the farming MP explained his thinking to anyone who would listen. Below is what we think we heard.
“Bovine TB is a great excuse to shoot things dead, things like badgers that don’t have any feelings. As Tories that’s our natural inclination. If it’s weaker than us, we have to try and kill it. It’s in our DNA. It’s our spiritual TB if you like. Being a congenital disorder there is not a vaccine available. Gene therapy may help in the future, but it will probably just turn us into flesh eating zombies, so I won’t be risking it.”
Mr Eustice paused for a moment to wipe some spittle off his lips, before continuing,
“Brexit is going to economically infect the farming communities of England. It will wipe out a lot of them. But if people can pick up a rifle and shoot an animal, it’ll probably keep them ticking Conservative at any of the half dozen general elections to come over the next three years. That’s the hope anyway.”
While the Badger Trust and other wishy washy greenie charities are keen to try and treat the TB issue via vaccination, it’s not thought they have sufficient pull at the ballot box to be worth worrying about at the moment.
“Clearly as Brexit becomes and economic pandemic we’ll need more animals to target and kill.” The farming minister added. “But by then we should have royal prerogative and can just decide to hunt anything we like with dogs again. Which everyone will need to do in order to eat anyway. It’s going to be wonderful.”
