Energy company British Gas has announced a price hike to take effect in september. The gas and electricity supplier will raise tariffs over 12.5% affecting 3.1 million customers.

“We’ve hardly raised prices for four years.” said Iain Conn, chief executive of Centrica, which owns British Gas.

“Last year our profits were 688 million, this year we’ve only scraped a measily 639 million, well, we’ve got to claw back that amount somewhere and I’ll be damned if it’s coming out of my 40% pay rise. My salary of 4.5 million needs covering one way or another. Frankly I don’t give a shite if you’re family can’t afford to have hot showers this winter we all have problems; my Yacht needs it’s mooring fees covering and my Maseratis want servicing.”

Concerns have been raised by Shadow Energy minister Alan Whitehead, who said “It’s great big fucking whopping rise. How the heck will pensioners and the vulnerable be able to cover the costs?”

Brenda Feeble, 74, of Norden is a British Gas customer. Last year Brenda slipped on the way to the paypoint to top up her gas and electricity meter; she spent 4 weeks in hospital.

“I’m terrified. It’s a struggle every time I have to go out to top up the meter, especially since my fall last year; but I can’t afford a monthly contract.”

“I get my shopping delivered once a week. I live off tins of soup. What happens when the meter runs out? I won’t be using the gas cooker to heat my soup, I’ll need to save it all for the little heater I have. If the electric meter goes, I won’t be able to use my electric tin opener anyway. It’s a choice of freezing or starving to death.”

Albert Penniless, 82, of Middleton is also a British Gas customer. We asked Albert how the rise in gas might affect him.

“My pension didn’t cover the old price. In fact, the only reason I didn’t freeze to death last year is because I was able to burn all the ‘late Payment’ notices that British Gas kept sending out; but the bastards are switching to paperless communications now; I don’t have the internet, or even the electricity to run a computer.”

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19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.