The CEO of British Gas, Sir Mork Lodges, has advised today he’s only rubbing his hands together to keep warm.

The statement comes on the day British Gas has announced a paltry 12.5% rise in energy bills for its customers timed to begin just before winter comes.

An aide to Sir Lodges added clarity to his advice when speaking to the Rochdale Herald’s ‘You’ve Got To Be F*cking Kidding Me’ correspondent.

“British Gas has shown admirable restraint by being the last of the big six to force the working poor and elderly to choose between food and warmth for next winter. He really is too soft for his position.”

The aide added it’s all the fault of the general public anyway for nagging about investments in renewables so they don’t choke to death trying to keep warm a few decades from now.

“If people would just realise we are their friends than everyone would be much happier, especially Mork, who can’t stand the thought of what a fall in wholesale energy prices does to pressure to increase bills till people’s eyes water.”

It’s thought the government will do sod all about the price hike but say some words and then some more words and hope a big distraction comes along quickly.

British Gas are expected to launch a PR campaign to convince people it’s under their control.

The campaign will feature a blue flame called ‘Hamlet’ and the phrase, to heat or not to heat, that is the question.

Satire Aid is back!Visit the Satire Aid website.