According to consumers in Rochdale Cathedral City Cheddar is not the best cheddar, it’s just completely unavoidable.

A survey of all of the fridges in the UK found at least one opened packet of Cathedral City Cheddar Extra Mature and three unopened packets of Mild Cheddar.

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me, every time I go to the Spa I buy another packet of this fucking cheese. I don’t even like cheese. I feel like Mel Gibson in that movie Conspiracy Theory when he couldn’t stop collecting copies of that book The Catcher in the Rye.” Simon James Dickinson, told The Herald.

“I throw out more cheese than I eat but I can’t stop buying it. It’s not even good cheese. It’s too fucking salty, mature but mellow my arse. They make the stuff in Davidstow in Cornwall the lying buggers, it’s not even a city, they don’t even have a cathedral. I checked.”

Mr Dickinson is not alone with tens of millions of people across the country hoarding unwanted packets of the generic salty cheddar on the top shelves of their fridges.

“Just storing all of this cheese is costing a fortune.” A spokesman for the National Grid told us. “The UK consumes more electricity every day just refrigerating packets of Cathedral City Cheddar that will never be eaten than Luxembourg uses in an entire week. Or was it a month, I don’t really know we make these statistics up as we go along.”

A spokesman for Dairy Crest, the parent company for Cathedral City Cheddar, denied that they were using mind control technology to persuade consumers to buy more cheese every time they go shopping regardless of whether they need more cheese or not. A spokesman told us:

“Look into my eyes, you are feeling sleepy. Buy more cheese. And you’re back in the room.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.