Theresa May has reportedly ordered her cabinet, and junior ministers, to watch Game of Thrones in order to get better at killing one another.
This is apparently in the hope that the infighting in the Conservative Party brought about by Brexit, and exacerbated by the loss of the Tory majority on June 8th, can be resolved with all the principal players doing for each other while May hides in a cupboard.
This is the plan that worked when Theresa May accidentally won the last political bloodbath to become Prime Minister last year.
The Rochdale Herald spoke to a Priestess from an obscure cult believed to be advising the Prime Minister on how to not only retain power in Westminster but eventually conquer all of Ireland again too.
“The Great Repeal Bill is my idea.” Melisandre admitted. “The ice queen will rule all of the emerald isle. But only after she has claimed supreme power with dominion of London.
We have laid plans to turn many against each other.
But there are so damn many minsters in a modern parliamentary democracy, really, a lot of them are going to have to pitch in and take out one another. To learn how they must watch Game of Thrones.”
At this point she tried to place numerous slugs on our correspondent’s skin and the interview was abruptly terminated on health and safety grounds.
Apparently the Prime Minister has also sent payment to a man across the water called Barnier. He has been employed to trap David Davis in a lift that will mysteriously break between floors and not be repaired for many months.
Boris Johnson is believed to be ready to politically assassinate Michael Gove, but only if a mysterious sorcerer ruling a slave kingdom in a distant land won’t find out he did it.
Liam Fox is to be taken out by a vengeful spirit summoned by a friend hiding behind a curtain.
Philip Hammond appears to be the most difficult of the Prime Minister’s retainers to remove, mostly because he owns a magic calculator that protects him from the insane excesses of the rest of the cabinet.
A campaign of whispering has begun against him in the hope a posse of nurses will beat him down to his knees during a walk of shame.