Philip Hammond has today apologised for his insensitive remarks about women by buying them all a jolly nice big bar of chocolate and a copy of “Bridget Jones” so they can curl up on the sofa and forget the nasty things he said.

Hammond said he realised after he made the comment “train driving is so easy that even women can do it” that he should have known girls don’t like having their noses rubbed in the fact they are not quite as good as boys, and apologised unreservedly for any offense caused.

“Genuinely, how was I supposed to know the decorators were in. Girls can be so sensitive. Honestly. I’m sorry okay. I’ll check my calendar next time.”

He did this whilst rolling his eyes theatrically at nearby male colleagues who he later met for port and cigars.

Southern Rail were quick to join the Furore about statements Hammond made about driving trains being so easy that “even a woman could do it” by promptly issuing a statement saying.

“Don’t be ridiculous, women can’t drive trains. There are many things girls are good at, but operating heavy machinery isn’t one of those things. This is a serious matter, we’re talking about people’s lives here.”

Southern Rail passengers are said really not to give a single monkey’s fuck about the gender of train drivers provided that the train actually arrives and takes them to their destination.

“We’re not even arsed if the train is on time anymore, let alone if the driver has a uterus. Am I really having this conversation.” One passenger told us.

The Twentieth Century was unavailable for comment but is said to be “a little pissed off” about the whole matter.