President Donald Trump has apparently just signed a new executive order making it compulsory for American citizens to carry guns about them at all times, the Rochdale Herald has learned.

At a press conference, he told reporters:

“It’s insane. Whenever some evil Muslim terrorist, or even the occasionable – er, occupational – er, once in a while some poor oppressed white guy, goes into a place armed and shoots everybody in sight, nobody else ever shoots them back.

“Now, we’ve been saying for years that if the right people were armed, then the bad guy wouldn’t kill so many good Americans. So we’re doing something about it.”

The new executive order states that any American citizen aged 1 or above must carry at least one gun on their person at all times, even when sitting at home on their own toilet.

Anyone discovered not to have a gun on his or her person will be deemed a foreign invader and shot on sight, the order reads.

Not enough guns in America?

When asked if the minimum age was a bit low, he shrugged it off, explaining:

“Look, in this great country of ours, we have more guns than people.  That means there’s more guns going spare for the bad guys to get their hands on.

“So to better protect the good guys, we need to make sure everybody who is old enough to walk on their own two feet gets one of those guns to protect themselves with.”

As for the ‘even on their own toilet’ clause, he again had a ready answer:

“It’s well known that most accidents happen in the home.  So if everybody is armed at all times, this will make the bad guys think twice about breaking into a good American home again.”

In conclusion, he summed up:

“This move will truly make America great again, and I mean bigly great.”

When asked if it would just be safer to get rid of all the guns, he burst out laughing and apparently hasn’t stopped yet.