Marvel Studios have confirmed that there are currently no plans for the gonorrhoea ‘superbug’ to star in its next instalment of the Avengers franchise.
Referred to as ‘Super-Gonorrhoea’ in the press, the untreatable STI has become a global sensation after developing a resistance to all known antibiotics. However, a Marvel spokesperson said that the parasite was unlikely to feature in the latest superhero blockbuster because of its link to sexually promiscuous behaviour.
“Peter Parker became Spiderman when he was bitten by a radioactive spider, and Bruce Banner became the Incredible Hulk because he was blasted with gamma radiation,” said studio executive, Scott Zeinberg.
“Gonorrhoea became Super-Gonorrhoea thanks to a combination of lax antibiotic use and your inability to keep your genitals out of each other’s mouths. Admittedly, that’s a more scientifically sound way of acquiring special powers than the other two but it’s far from family-friendly.”
The bacterium responsible for the disease, Neisseria gonorrhoeae, said it was disappointed with the decision and described Marvel’s position as “discriminatory”.
“Sure, I lack the glamourous back-story, and I guess my ‘origins’ movie could be just about anything you’ve ever watched on Pornhub, but I’m a damn sight more ‘super’ than that douchebag Hawkeye,” it told our reporter.
Despite the setback, N. gonorrhoeae said it had already lined up a cameo on Love Island and was currently in talks with Joss Whedon about a role in the upcoming Justice League movie.
“I’m quite excited about that actually, though I had to put my foot down when he told me that my character was to be played by Shia Labeouf,” it said.
“I may be a hideous sexually-transmitted disease capable of turning your genitals into itchy pus-factories, but I do have some standards.”
