The Federation of International Football Associations (FIFA), have announced their intention to pursue a full investigation into alleged corruption in British politics, following the recent announcement of a £1bn deal between the Conservatives and the DUP.

Sepp Blatter, former President of FIFA, told the Rochdale Herald,

“There are a lot of questions being asked about the legitimacy of this deal.  People are saying it smacks of corruption, so we at FIFA have decided to launch our own inquiry into the matter.”

When asked what FIFA had to do with the political machinations of a country, Mr Blatter – when he had finished laughing – explained,

“Look, there needs to be an inquiry, we all know that, and who knows more about corruption than FIFA?”

Well, outside the world of politics, he has a point.

I did have to raise the question of what reliance could be placed upon their findings, if any, to which he responded, with a smile,

“You think we’ll cover it up?  Well, if it was Russia, maybe, but what have England ever done for us, eh?  If we find even the slightest whiff of corruption in this deal, we shall be broadcasting the fact to all corners of the earth, so that those who think we’re corrupt can see how much more corrupt English politicians really are.”

He certainly sounded sincere and impassioned, I had to admit. But I still had to wonder if he had any real leverage in the situation.

“It’s simple.” he answered, “Let us suppose that the English politicians are found to be corrupt.  If they do not then co-operate with us, then every game of football in the World Cup from now on will be a straight penalty shoot-out.”

Now that’s what I call leverage.