Following the embarrassment of the spectacular failure of a hideously expensive program to rehabilitate sex offenders, Ministry of Justice officials are arranging study visits to Middle-Eastern countries to learn new methods to prevent reoffending, The Rochdale Herald has learned.
“For twenty-five years we have been spending millions trying to change the behaviour of these dirty little perverts and it hasn’t worked,” said one prison service official who asked to remain anonymous.
“We put them through the course and then let them back onto the streets and the buggers are hard at it straight away…twice as hard as before” she said.
“It seems the course really has made them think about their sex offending.
The problem is that it has made them hornier than they were before they first offended. Talk about unexpected consequences.”
She said the pussyfooting had to stop.
High level civil servants from The Ministry of Justice and Prison service will begin a whistle stop tour of the Arabian Peninsula,Iran and maybe safe areas of Syria.
“Maybe the time has come to stop listening to the bleeding heart liberals and start concentrating on what really works; especially now that we have a working majority in Parliament with the Tories and the DUP,” said another Justice official.
A spokesman for the Saudi Arabia Justice Ministry said their hatchet and swordsmen would delight in passing on their crime prevention techniques.
The spokesman, Mohammed Hakitof, said sneaky little thieves rarely reoffend in Saudi Arabia.
“Maybe sneaky little perverts won’t reoffend in your country when your people have completed our course of learning, said Mr. Hakitof.”
In Iran, Mohammed Al Stonum, Chief Justice of secret Sharia Court of the Revolutionary Guard, said he would be happy to open a dialogue on crime and punishment between Britain and Iran.
“Perhaps after your Brexit we could do a free trade deal. We could re-educate your sex offenders here in Iran and you could look the other way while we develop our nuclear bombs,” said Al Stonum.
Over in Syria, a spokesman for ISIS, Mohammed Nekum, said talking to British officials at any level would be welcome.
“We have to face reality, relations between your country and our caliphate have not been, how would you say, great, but from small acorns large oak trees grow,” said Nekum.
“This I can promise you, when you study and use our treatment programs, which are quite cheap really in these times of austerity, your sex offenders will not reoffend,”said Nekum.