Three Labour frontbenchers have been sacked and a fourth has resigned after voting for a Queen’s speech amendment calling for Britain to remain within the European Single Market. Fifty Labour MPs defied the whip by refusing to abstain from the vote and really pissed off party leader Jeremy Corbyn, who took a break from walking on water to scream “GO HARD OR GO HOME!” in their faces until they cried.
A Labour insider told the Herald: “Ever since his General Election coup, Jeremy’s had the swagger of a man who’s just shagged a supermodel and then told her that he doesn’t date fat chicks. He’s gone from being Billy No Mates to Billy Big Baws in the space of a few weeks and he’s not taking shit from anyone.
“After the vote last night I heard him whisper ‘motherfuckers’ under his breath and knew straight away that it was all going to kick off. If Diane Abbot hadn’t put him in a sleeper-hold as soon as we left the chamber that shit would have got real.”
Corbyn’s new found confidence has been a source of dismay amongst some Labour MPs, who up until recently had enjoyed defying the man who’s actually been their best chance of winning an election in years.
“He’s like Peter Parker discovering that he’s got superpowers for the first time,” said one Labour backbencher. “You know that scene when Peter’s being picked on by the school bully but then he flips and kicks the guy’s arse in front of everyone? That’s pretty much Jeremy Corbyn at the moment.
“I just hope to God he doesn’t start strutting around in spandex. Can you imagine Jeremy Corbyn in spandex? Jesus.”
Meanwhile, members of the public have reported being deafened by the sound of liberal handwringing, as those on the Left begin to wonder how to reconcile their love of Corbyn’s ideals with his support for Brexit.
“I voted for Jeremy Corbyn because I don’t like bad things and he doesn’t like bad things either,” one Corbyn supporter told us.
“But because I’m on the left I have to think that Brexit is a bad thing, so if Jeremy doesn’t think it’s a bad thing does that mean that it’s a good thing or does it mean that Jeremy is bad? I’m so confused.”