Government announces all heroes to be paid in rounds of applause. The first decisive vote in the new session of parliament was passed yesterday with a majority of 14 votes.

It is a significant win for Theresa May’s minority Conservative government, achieved with the rented support from the DUP.

The bill forwarded by the government will see a rise in pay for the Public Sector in the form of increased applause. The sector which includes Police, Fire and National Health service workers as well as social services and military personnel, has enjoyed a pay freeze for the past 7 years and almost complete absence of applause.

“We are delighted the bill passed” said Home Secretary Amber Rudd.

“The public sector is a testament to our nation and it is about time they are given the recognition they deserve. With this bill the Public Sector will see the current pat on the back and a nod of appreciation raised to a standing ovation of no less than 20 seconds. It is the biggest rise in appreciation the Public Sector has seen since 1943.”

The bill was met with strong opposition from across the benches however, with Labour leading the vote to try and stop the bill.

“Applause? Our public sector workers need a real pay rise not more plaudits from MPs who claim more in expenses than a starting police constable’s salary!” Said John McDonnell, shadow Home Secretary.

An anonymous spokesman for Amber Rudd told us what she thought of the opposition to the bill.

“It’s typical that Labour would try and block a bill that would see our heroes get the gratitude they deserve.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.