Tory Chief Whip, Francis Gavin Urquhart Williamson, has advised the parliamentary Conservative party during a closed meeting that the beatings will continue until morale improves.
Devlin Halfrun, a junior minister in the Dept for Getting Pwned by the European Union, attended the meeting and agreed to give this report to the Herald, on the condition we don’t reveal his name.
“It was bloody terrifying.” Halfrun stated. “I had to dig out my hip flask from my chinos halfway through. If I hadn’t been hiding behind some of the bigger boys I’d really have been for
it.”
Williamson is believed to have taken the extraordinary measure of calling all the children together because of an outbreak of crying in corridors and a rash of teary eyed stabbings in the toilets.
“Bloody privileged brats.” Williamson is reported to have begun. “You’re afterbirths. The lot of you. You crawled out of your mothers mewling like blind kittens and straight onto a wet nurse’s tit. From there to trust funds, never to see daddy again.
I don’t blame him. I would spit on the family crest if anyone of you were my contraceptive error. I’m so disgusted I’m tempted to cane you all just to raise a smile.”
He is reported to have gone on in this vein for a good hour until most of the boys and girls had withered to snotty little messes.
We asked Halfrun what impact the Whip’s words had on the group, after it was over.
“I feel like a new man. I was having visions of being toast racked in halls by the time he was finished. It was exhilarating. I haven’t felt that good since I watched a blind man trying to find a coin I’d thrown into a flooded urinal just to see what he’d do when he heard the plop!”
