Penetration of the heart of government by dodgy Russian hacker types has allowed innovative research.
Statistical analysis of the government’s emails has been published today on Wikileaks, the natural home of Swedish rape porn. The research reveals that the extreme gangbang the “United” Kingdom has been calling government over the last few days is like Malcolm Tucker directed a Japanese hentai cartoon. Top of the list for email phrases was “cocking fuck, what fresh hell is this?” which has been sent so frequently from the Prime Minister’s account that it is possibly part of her out of office.
Criticism of cuts in police numbers following the attack on Manchester was met with the unofficial internal response “Can we arrange a celebrity sex tape scandal? Does Ariane Grande have a step mom or a step sister? We need to get this finger pointed elsewhere.” To defend against future criticism of austerity, the 1922 Committee recommended any discussion of future cuts use the code word “scissoring”. However, fears about urban unrest continue to dominate the political landscape. Controversially, an email received by the Prime Minster from the leader of Kensington Council expressed fears about the risk of “Big Black Dicks marching in the streets having been wound up by militant lesbians from the Socialist Worker.”
The youth vote also came in for criticism, with “hardcore left wing teen agitators” blamed for reaching out their communist tentacles and “seducing the straight white vote with unfunded promises, with shit like free massages on the NHS giving prospective Labour voters squirting orgasms.”
In more positive news though, minutes of the Norwegian foreign minister’s meeting with the Brexit threesome David Davis, Liam Fox and Boris Johnson, gave a more positive insight into what Brexit could mean. They hope to form a Bilateral Investment Group to work on Terms for International Trade, British Investment Growth and Britain United Through Trade by a Multi-Integrated Layered Finance initiative is hoped to establish the UK’s role as a favourable jurisdiction for investment once it breaks free from EU bondage. The government is expected to publish information about this planned BIG TIT BIG BUTT MILF online in the next few months.
Most controversial of all was the Home Secretary’s response to London Bridge, with “I’m going to fist those fucking Asians like I’m their wicked step mom,” drawing a response from the PM of “that will undoubtedly be a vote winner in certain quarters but it could split our core vote.”
Rumours that the Herald read this research and thought long and hard about what could help our search engine optimisation have been denied by Valerie Fortesque, step-daughter of our Editor in Chief.
