“The ritualistic slaughter of goat is an essential pre-requisite for planned legislation in a parliamentary democracy.” So said a spokesperson for 10 Downing Street today when explaining that the Queen’s speech had to be delayed while halal vellum was produced.
For many years, the Conservative party has relied upon advice from religious experts from a range of religions. Whilst the planned new coalition will increase the theocratic elements of the government, a spokesman confirmed today that Conservativism is for everyone, not just Presbyterians.
As a result, the goat used to create the vellum upon which the Queen’s speech is written, will, for the first time, be slaughtered in a halal manner.
Explaining the move, the spokesman said,
“After the recent increase in domestic terrorism, the government intends to use its clear mandate from the British people to restore peace to our country.
Our Imams advised us that there are several denominations in Islam, the majority Sunni, the significant minority Shia, and then the less well known Ahmadiyya, Khawarij, and finally, the youtube celebrities, the Bellendi.
The recent incidents involving Bellendi Muslims are thought to be as a consequence of them refusing to recognise the authority of British law as a consequence of the goat upon which we write it not being halal. The laws being haram, they take to be a justification for a series of actions which every other denomination of Islam denounces.”
“It is important that when we commit to suspend your human rights, we do it in a manner which will bind everyone, even Bellendis.”
The Dutch leader of Britain First, Jayda Fransen, was unavailable for comment as we didn’t care what she thought.
After the outcry that accompanied news that the equivalent of one cow had been harmed in the making of the new five pound note, Herald predicts the new laws may trigger a rise in vegan nationalism.
