Nigel Farage has announced today he is planning to quit politics to become leader of UKIP, again.
The UK Independence Party, also known as the Shit Kicking Idiotic Xenephobes Party by most observers, exceeded all expectations in yesterday’s General Election by not only spelling the name of their party correctly on ballot submissions and turning up on the right day but they also received several votes.
Despite these dramatic improvements in form the party did not win a single seat in Parliament. Pundits have suggested that policies such as murdering and torturing more brown people might not be as popular as the Hillsboro veteran Paul Nuttall previously thought.
“I am looking forward to stepping down from my lucrative role as Member of The European Parliament to focus my time exclusively on harvesting as much cash as possible from panel show appearance fees before the UK completely loses interest in Brexit.” Nigel Farage told The Herald.
“Maybe I’ll write a book, Tommy Robinson has got one.”
“It’s time to stop kidding ourselves that we are politicians and concentrate on our core skills of appearing on Question Time to make Chuka Umuna and Angela Leadsom look less like Nazis.”
“I’m putting my prices up, I expect I’ll do very well.”
