Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott have taken the bold step to thoroughly condemn the actions of ISIS supporters this week and are preparing to take extreme measures if they don’t start being a bit nicer.

These measures include unfriending terrorists on Facebook, unfollowing them on Instagram and removing them from their Christmas Card lists.

The news comes hot on the heels of another unwatchable Diane Abbott interview on Sky News apparently about a Government whitepaper on how to tackle terrorism that she apparently pretended she’d read. We haven’t watched it. There, that wasn’t that hard to admit was it?

Islamic terror groups around the world are said to be terrified at the prospect of not receiving an annual Christmas update about the kids from Jeremy with Abu Bakr al Baghdadi saying;

“Jeremy sends me a Fortnum and Mason hamper every year, I particularly look forward to the port and cheese. I’ve told our terror cells across Britain to stand down.”

Amnesty International have called for calm and have condemned the measures saying, they go too far.

“These measures go a bit far, don’t you think? You can’t go around unfriending people on Facebook just because they have a different point of view. You can hurt people’s feelings if you unfriend them. It could be seen by some as bullying. You can’t be too careful.”

Diane Abbott was asked whether or not she had the read the email about the measures and she just said “that’s racist” and slammed the door in our faces.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.