UKIP have pledged to restore pubic hair to levels not seen since the 1970’s, in a move they hope will secure the allegiance of older voters.
The party have promised to fight the modern trend for shaving, sculpting and waxing, and encourage people to embrace ‘the traditional British bush’ instead.
“Our supporters long for the good old days, when you got your change in ha’pennies, you could say the N-word in public, and you didn’t have to worry about having a bush so unkempt it looked like you’d sat on a statically-charged guinea pig,” said UKIP candidate George Bosworth.
“We’ve also heard that policies telling people what to do with their genitals, particularly women, are hugely popular with the public.”
UKIP voter and serial pervert Bernard Humphries, 67, welcomed the announcement. “I remember when scud mags were full of people with enough pubic hair to carpet a four-bedroom bungalow. It was glorious. These days you either have to draw them back in with a biro or glue on some of your own. My computer screen is fucked.”
“You can keep your Brazilians, Hollywoods and, God forbid, Bollywoods,” he said, “real patriots want a full English!”
Described as ‘pubic rewilding’, the policy would see volunteers receive government subsidies of up to £10 per square inch as an incentive to allow free growth. The payments would be available to both men and women, though only the latter would be expected to provided photographic evidence via a ‘Voter’s Wives’ website.
Although widely derided by other parties, the policy has found unexpected support from the Greens, who warned that the country’s ‘pubic mound’ of discarded hair is becoming a ‘pubic mountain’.
“Over 300 tonnes of pubic hair end up in landfill every week,” Green party candidate Hawkwind Sidebottom told the Herald.
“Huge amounts also get washed down plugholes and find their way out to sea. The impact on marine life can be devastating. Last week, I saw a jellyfish with a ‘beard’ that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Shoreditch vape café.
“It’s only a matter of time before we start to find hairy clams.”
