The Labour Party general election campaign is said to be in tatters today following the release of the Liberal Democrat’s Manifesto in the last few days.

“It’s a tour de force of groundbreaking electioneering.” Dianne ‘Fibonacci’ Abbott apparently told somebody. “It’s impossible to compete with free weed and 1p on income tax. Or was it 73p, I’m not sure. it was definitely one of the numbers.”

“They must be stopped at all costs. Labour voters must vote tactically for the Conservatives to keep the Liberal Democrats out of power.” Dawn Butler told The Herald, or perhaps it was The Guardian. “Costa Coffee needs to start paying their taxes too, or is it Starbucks. it was definitely one of the coffee ones. Or was it search engine optimisation. who knows? The election is rigged.”

“If the Liberal Democrats seize power, they’ll make us do that whole bloody EU referendum thingy again.” A Corbyn spokestrot told The Herald. “Trouble is Corbyn doesn’t actually want to say that he wants to leave because he’ll lose the youth vote, in fact pretty much everybody who supports him is a remainer. He’ll have to pretend to want to stay in again and he’s more comfortable in corduroy than a hair shirt.”

Tim Farron is expected to storm to power with a huge majority on the back of his sensible policies of legalising recreational drugs and reopening the open, weeping sore that is the EU referendum. God help us all.



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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.