Jeremy Corbyn’s manifesto pledge to have Tom Watson rolled up in a carpet, beaten with broken pool cues and thrown off Southend Pier at low tide is proving very popular with Conservative, Labour and Lib Dem voters.
The groundbreaking policy, which will be funded by collecting taxes owed by coffee giant Costa Coffee, has been applauded by pundits across the political spectrum as a master stroke in tri-partisan consensus building.
“It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.” A spokestrot from Momentum told The Herald. “Corbyn supporters want to wrap him in a carpet because he’s a backstabbing shithouse and the Tories want to beat him with pool cues because they generally enjoy that sort of thing.
The Lib Dems have wanted to chuck him into the sea for distributing leaflets in 2004 that read ‘Labour are on your side – the Lib Dems are on the side of failed asylum seekers’.
He’s generally not that popular.”
Other pledges are expected to include free hugs, trips to Disneyland, flat screen TV’s, a million new doctors for the NHS and a personal policeman for everybody all paid for by not cutting capital gains tax.
Theresa May is expected to raise VAT on June 9th.
