Only Theresa May can effectively negotiate Brexit, according to Tories.
“Obviously with all 27 EU nations being absolutely united and holding all the cards,” explained Brexit expert and Conservative Party member Lotta Pounds, “it would be a disaster if Jeremy Corbyn or Tim Farron were in charge as neither is openly combative towards them. What you need is somebody like May who is constantly saying things that piss them all off.”
Members of the public seem to agree.
“All I really know is what I have read in the admittedly biased newspaper I get,” said David Bloke, a plumber from Oldham, “and apparently getting elected to the office she already holds will make the EU suddenly give us everything we want. It’s something about strong and stable leadership.”
“That guy who has twice beat organised attempts to oust him isn’t any good,” Elsie Gobsworth from Hampstead told us, “I heard he wants the Muslamic terrorists to win, hates Britain, will ban our troops and is a vegetarian. How can he be trusted? Yes, I will be voting.”
The 27 remaining EU nations are clear that the elections will make no difference to the negotiations and that Britain cannot expect to have a better trading deal outside the EU. Also no trade negotiations can take place before a contractual agreement on EU citizens in the UK and UK citizens in the EU is reached.
“Yeah, but for some reason I don’t quite understand if lots of folks vote Tory the EU are much more likely to give us a great deal,” explained Dr Albert Plockton of Rochdale Community University’s Margaret Thatcher Studies Department, “whereas Corbyn and Farron with their beliefs in accessing the single market and stuff will end up making us a province of France or something. To be honest I haven’t done any research but the We Won, Stop Crying You Commie Nazi Remoaners group on Facebook are very clearish on the matter.”
With Brexit being one of the most important issues for voters, it looks certain that the fact that “conservatives” is an anagram of “voters cave in” is going to be prophetic.
