UKIP’s national policy committee has accidentally hanged itself following the launch of its new policy demanding that under aged girls from “risk groups” be given mandatory genital checks for female genital mutilation.
“One minute they were all puckering up their faces, sniggering and making phwoarrring noises and then one of them remembered that party policy is to hang paedos,” said a party official.
“Then before you could say Jacqueline Robinson (11), all fifteen of them were dangling from the rafters making gurgling noises and turning purple and yellow, just like the balloons and posters,” she said.
Asked whey she hadn’t tried to intervene the official snorted and pulled an outraged face.
“What, help a bunch of paedos? Hanging’s too good for them..” she sneered, adding that she much preferred gorillas. Assuming they are born in the UK to UK born gorilla parents, aren’t immigrants from Africa, and have been fully integrated into the British way of life, of course, she added.
According to a UKIP policy document entitled “The Integration Agenda”, released earlier this week party, the party plans to:
“Implement school-based medical checks on girls from groups at high risk of suffering FGM. These should take place annually and whenever they return from trips overseas.”
The document didn’t explain whether UKIP’s definition of “overseas” covered only countries where FGM is known to be practiced or whether it included countries such popular overseas holiday destinations such as the United States, Ireland, Spain or France.
After great effort the Herald managed to track down UKIP party leader and former archbishop of Canterbury Paul Nuttall hiding in a broom cupboard under the stairs of the former UKIP headquarters now bearing a sign saying “Childruns Medikal Senter, Forruners Welkum”.
Commenting on the mass self-execution, Nuttall confirmed that in his opinion the policy committee had done the right thing, falling off their collective stool onto their collective sword.
“What they were suggesting is utterly disgusting, perverted and wrong,” he said .
“Frankly there’s only room for one bald ***t in this party!” he snorted.
