The official Turkish news agency (prop. R. T. Erdogan) reports that in a historic vote on Sunday, the people of Turkey voted overwhelmingly in a democratic referendum to abolish democracy. The astonishing result (51% to 49%) was greeted with outpourings of joy from all the population, except those in prison or voted ‘no’.

President-for-Life, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, said that the huge majority (2%) of the popular vote echoed other famous results such as Brexit (4%) and the US election (-3%). In a press conference attended by all journalists who are not currently in jail, His Royal Highness and Ruler of the Iron Throne said, “The result proves that the country is fully behind me, apart from the terrorists in the south-east, and those misguided criminal elements in Istanbul, Ankara and Izmir. And of course all of the journalists, academics and judges who are in prison.”

“In the next few weeks, we shall be engaging with those who do not fully understand the reforms that we will be introducing,” he said. “These include giving me total power to do whatever I like, such as reintroducing the death penalty. I am sure that these ignorant, unpatriotic dissenters will soon come to understand the wisdom of my actions and learn to get over it, suck it up and move on – that’s what democracy is, or rather, was.”

Asked to comment, Greece’s Prime Minister, Alexis Tsipras, said, “Skata! As if we don’t have enough problems. Signome, I need to get to the bunker. Kosta! Where’s my helmet?”