The Royal Bank of Scotland has today announced losses of 7 billion pounds in the fiscal year of 2016.

The Bank has been running at a loss of several billion a year since the global market crash of 2008. To date RBS has made a loss of around 54 billion.

Chief executive Ross McEwan told the Rochdale Herald the cost cuts were “huge, and unfortunately there will be job losses amongst that”.

When asked what the future plans would be in the wake of these job cuts McEwan replied “well, we’ve finished the 6 bottles of Bowmore 1957 we bought with the government emergency funds granted to us in 2012 and need to restock with the remaining 6 bottles to see us through to 2023.”

When asked whether the large bonuses paid out to high status bankers within RBS can still be justified McEwan replied “Well of course they are, why else would anyone want to work in this industry if it wasn’t for the great bonuses despite abysmal performance?”

When posed with the question of the ethics of cutting ground staff whilst continuing to award bonuses running into multi millions McEwan stated “wah wah, bloody ethics, cry me a river… I need somewhere to park my new Yacht.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.