In response to UNICEF’S report today forecasting child starvation in 2017, senior Tories have pledged to eat less.
Peasant. Goose. Equine tartare and literally millions of snails have welcomed the news.
David Cameron, puzzling over a Heston dish that resembled a rubix cube, had this to say,
“Perhaps we won’t have to cut the overseas aid budget if we can just all pitch in and throw out more quail? Now, who knows what the blazes is going on with this gazpacho? Apparently it won’t liquidise until I get all the blue squares together?”
Priti Patel, responsible for the Overseas Aid Budget, into the second course of three while standing outside UNICEF’s London office, was less encouraging.
“I don’t really like lobster.”
News that over four hundred thousand children were at risk of starving in Yemen caused less concern.
Liam Fox, standing arm in arm with Boris Johnson, just kept smiling. While British arms sales to Saudi Arabia number in the billions of pounds, this is believed to have no affect on foreign policy.
Determined to achieve a clear statement on UNICEF’S report we next contacted the Conservative Party’s moral heart, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
He was unavailable for comment. Busy berating staff at a Somerset food bank for not touching the forelock as they carried tins of pet food past his lodgings earlier in the afternoon.
However, a member of his staff released the following statement.
“The British Empire built a railroad through Sudan. If they are not troubled to distribute the bounty of their fields across the nation’s markets it’s not for the British taxpayer to run to the rescue each time someone has a tummy ache.”
Bon apetit.
